What to expect: Football – The most ridiculous and popular sport kicks off a new season. Audible groan.

When I was in high school, Friday was my favorite day of the week. Besides it being the end of the week, I was a football player (not a hallwalker, chump), and it afforded me the chance to do obnoxious things, like yell “gameday” at a teacher’s face and not get punished for it.

I’m truly sorry for all of that.

Now, whenever the season kicks off—be it college or professional—I find myself less and less interested. The factors of length of season, relentless stupidity and redundant storylines all come into play.

Yet, if a game is on, I can’t take my eyes off the screen. I’ll talk trash about a player who isn’t trying hard enough. I cuss more regularly. I yell “c’mon ref” over and over again, not trying to be funny.

I still follow all of this gridiron entertainment and statistics religiously, and I’ve compiled a list of a few things you can expect this season.

1) Steve Young will say something ridiculous in every postgame show, then discuss courage for 15 minutes during Monday Night Football‘s postgame show.
1b) Trent Dilfer will yell in agreement for another 15 minutes.

2) Shannon Sharpe’s gradual evolution into a bull will continue.

3) The NFL Network will show soccer highlights to appease its European fans.
3b) Donovan McNabb will ask via Twitter, “What’s a soccer?”
Here’s a previous highlight from McNabb’s Twitter.

Question @UnderCenterNBC, Will Baseball ever be Americas #1 sport again, yes or no?

— Donovan McNabb (@donovanjmcnabb) July 24, 2013

4) Rick Reilly will berate Stuart Scott on air, wanting recognition for a meaningless Tweet.
4b) A ball boy will throw a football at Reilly’s face, putting him on the PUTP list for months.

5) Geno Smith will start over Marc Sanchez within five games with the New York Jets.
5b) Rex Ryan will cry about it.
5c) Rob Ryan will cuss at a ref about it. (link is semi-NSFW)

6) Commentators will make wild claims about teams one game into the season.
6b) Chris Berman’s highlight rundown in week one to include, “Bills for the Super Bowl?”
6c) Mike Ditka will chew gum loudly in the background before being electrocuted to respond to Berman.

7) The Jacksonville Jaguars will suck again.

8) The Dallas Cowboys won’t make the playoffs.
8b) Even President Obama thinks so.

9) Mike Shanahan will destroy whatever is left of Robert Griffin III’s body.

10) Jay Cutler won’t care.

11) Matt Flynn will get sacked.

12) Tim Tebow will start for the Patriots by the end of the season to fulfill NFL contract obligations of needed stories for its partner ESPN, who had to back out of a primetime documentary about the sport’s head injury problem.
12b) This has already started.

13) Your fantasy team will be crippled by week three because you chose Percy Harvin.
13b) He could barely walk through preseason. Good pick, genius.

14) You will yell at a family member or significant other because the Saints will lose.
14b) Rob Ryan will do the same thing.

15) The Honey Badger will get one interception then celebrate with Jordan Jefferson.

16) Lou Holtz will talk about Notre Dame.
16b) I meant do a spit-take.
16c) Notre Dame will lose its bowl game because they’re Notre Dame.
16d) Rudy wasn’t real, you guys.
16e) Mark May will arm wrestle Holtz on air and kill Holtz after the Notre Dame debate.

17) Adam Schefter will sweat profusely on air while reading his Blackberry.
17b) Chris Broussard will call Schefter a racist.
17c) Skip Bayless will agree then debate Chad Ochocinco about it.

18) Ron Jaworski will appear more drunk during telecasts.

19) Jon Gruden will fly out of the commentating booth to wrestle a flock of refs.
19b) Mike Torico would commentate the event, but he’s too busy hitting on an intern.

20) Philip Rivers will be hated.
20b) Rivers will still complete 60% of passes and garner more than 3,500 yards.

21) Drew Brees will eat too much Jimmy Johns before a game.
21b) That’s the game where he throws five picks.

22) Les Miles will want to kiss someone on the mouth after an exciting football game.
22b) Probably Cam Cameron.

23) LSU running back Alfred Blue won’t join the campus ACLU organization, but admits, “He loves everyone.”

24) Your Facebook news feed will mirror that of a paranoid schizophrenic.
24b) I never knew mom cussed like this in public.
24c) Forget mom, what about that quiet aunt? She just called Brees a what?
24d) You won’t know how to answer your mom when she asks about that word that her sister used.

25) You will watch more than 150 hours of football.
25a) You will consume at least 8 Caniacs, a jug of Cane’s Sauce, three pints of queso, 10 hot dogs, 15 hamburgers, 10 bags of regular size chips, 20 cases of beers, do three keg stands, sing Blur’s “Song 2” once and talk trash to someone you’ve never met before. Weekly.