Turn off Duck Dynasty already

I apologize in advance—I grew up in West Monroe, La.

Used to be, this would elicit a slew of responses such as: “Oh, so you went to West Monroe [High School]?” or “You played football?”

No, I didn’t go to the town’s illustrious high school. I did play football…for this private school 20 miles down in Ruston, which is pretty much the exact same town as West Monroe, only with prettier girls, more BMWs, and peaches.

Nowadays, whenever I reveal I was born in West Monroe, I get asked, “So you watch Duck Dynasty, right?” followed by “You know any of them?”

Before I go into my main point, I’d like to point out how insane that question is. Do you think everyone in or from West Monroe is a cousin and goes to the same Baptist church? It’s like everyone from West Monroe is related, and the town is nothing more than some Deliverance outtake.

Rant aside, while it’s nice to see some success come from West Monroe that isn’t related to the perennial 5A football champs or someone claiming to see Jesus, Duck Dynasty isn’t much of a step forward for the town or state.

I’ve heard people talk about how the A&E reality show is different because it ends with a prayer.

The only appropriate response to this is a huge yell of the Lord’s name in vain.

I’ve heard how the Robertson patriarch, Phil, even threatened to stop production on the show because the producers wanted him to say stuff.

Phil also said this before a season premiere. Timing, y’all!

More fan stories end with a sigh of relief as if to say, “Them people sure are swell.”

A few nights ago, Willie Robertson wiped the tobacco juice from his beard and hinted at doing something political via the CMA Awards.

Cue another yell of the Lord’s name in vain, will you, Phil?

You thought Edwin Edwards was bad? Voting for a Duck Dynasty cast member is like voting for Honey Boo Boo. Remember when David Duke ran? It’d probably be like him winning an election, and the state would be littered with more confederate flags and duck calls.

Hooray, Southern white people unite!

Football would probably go to 80 games a season, because nothing else matters. “Mandatory Metallica” would be the only radio show, because “Nothing Else Matters.” Chile Verde would become the state restaurant. Everyone would have to go to church on Sunday in a pick-up truck or Chevy Suburban, whichever option eats the earth quicker.

If I were on my deathbed, all of these would sound great, too.

Yet, no one realizes Duck Dynasty is a business opportunity that’s as insincere as me sarcastically greeting my former nemesis at my high school reunion.

As much as you may want to believe the family prays and has beards (I can’t fault you for the latter, those beards look real), the family was also seen by a casting director and put in front of people who saw nothing but dollar signs.

A few seasons in, the family has best-selling CDs, DVDs and books.

Don’t they know that no one from West Monroe can read? I sure can’t.

The crap side of it is the family thinks it can make a difference. The truth is people merely watch the show because it’s cute.

At least when I watched Intervention, I felt something. When I watch Duck Dynasty, I shudder. The Robertsons are mascots for a group of people who have no clue what’s going on outside themselves.

The family is the winning turn at the broken slot machine the addicted gambler found at the Horseshoe Casino. Any realistic person would say, “This thing is broken,” but the addict looks around to make sure no one is looking and takes advantage of the system then parties relentlessly on newfound greed.

The next time you ask me if I know the Robertsons. I’ll answer, “Yes, I do know them because they are no different than anyone else. Stop allowing them the opportunity to speak at the podium, because they won’t cut the puppet strings of fame and publicity soon.

And please, never ask me this again.”