Transformers doesn’t translate

In theaters Wednesday: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

In theaters Friday: Captivity

New on DVD: The Astronaut Farmer, Last Mimzy

So I watched Transformers last weekend with the rest of America. It delivered some laughs and a few thrilling sequences, but it left me a little confused and wanting more (not in the good way). Like a lot of summer action movies, nothing made sense. Now make no mistake, I’m not bashing this Transformers because the live action version failed to live up to some ridiculous standard of cool seared into my brain at age six as I sat salivating inches from the TV monitor beaming out the old Transformers and calling to my mom to take me to Toys R Us immediately. I watched Transformers in my jams in the ‘80s, but I’m not an all-out Autobot apologist. I did go in prepared to forgive the movie if it wasn’t that good. And to a degree I do, but that doesn’t mean I fell in love all over again either.

Of course the digital bits, the CGI effects and robotic whirligigs, are spectacular to look at. The only problem is much of the action happens so fast, with so many edits, all those robots are difficult to follow. Would it kill the director to pull the camera back so we can see a well-choreographed fight scene in one continuous shot? I can imagine some of the computer animators hating that slash-and-burn style of editing fight scenes. They spend months getting the graphics just right, and in the end, most audiences miss the details if they blink, and often even if they don’t.

As a government agent, John Turturro had some hilarious one-liners delivered in the slimy, stuck-up way he has perfected in Coen Brothers and Adam Sandler movies. He was good casting, as was Anthony Anderson as a computer specialist/hacker who gets arrested in a hilarious FBI arrest sequence. And on the subject of casting, I can definitely see why Speilberg is so keen on putting Shia LaBeouf in everything Dreamworks produces. The kid has an innate way of being able to fit into summer popcorn flicks but also carry them with a degree of believability, skill, and dignity. He’s sort of the thinking man’s blockbuster star. His comedic timing is spot on, and his chemistry with Megan Fox had the perfect pitch of the shy, awkward kid falling for the popular high school bombshell. When he asks his buddy to “please get out of the car, immediately” because he wants to give her a ride home in his two-seater, it’s a priceless moment. Their relationship was the only narrative thread of the film that really made sense.

Unfortunately this has to be the biggest phone-it-in performance from Jon Voight to date. I mean, when the guy can’t even be bothered to pronounce “robots” correctly (his version sounded more like “robutts”), all you can do is laugh.

Even though the first half of the film dragged a little, LaBeouf and a few chuckles from Bumblebee carried it well. It was the end that disappointed the most. The last act finally delivered some extended Autobots vs. Decepticons action I’d been waiting 90 minutes for, but the climax was under-developed. And the manner in which the seemingly invincible Megatron was all of a sudden defeated was actually really weak, bordering on cop-out.

Oh well, I’m not disappointed Michael Bay got my $8. There will be a sequel, of course. I just hope the next one has a deeper story with a more satisfactory conclusion.

By now, everyone has seen the trailer for the enigmatic J.J. Abrams project that previewed before Transformers. But for those who haven’t seen Transformers or are just unpacking your new iMac today, check out the wicked lo-fi trailer for the monster/disaster flick now being called 1-18-08 right here. It looks and sounds like Godzilla: The Handheld Camcorder Version, but it won’t be. With Lost producer Drew Goddard listed as screenwriter this should be an original concept, and one well-worth checking out.