The Year in Blunders

EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to errors in this story, it has been revised from its original form. Please see the correction at the bottom for a further explanation.

Sure 2006 has been a difficult, emotional year in Louisiana. But come on, the stuff some people did was just so goofy there’s no excuse.

Keystone cops. Dumb crooks. Bumbling politicians. They all took a turn in the spotlight, then graciously took their fall, for all of us to enjoy.

Slow learners

Metro Council members Lorri Burgess, Charles Kelly and Wayne “Spider” Carter just didn’t get it. The civic group A6 dropped a petition in their laps with 18,000 signatures of citizens favoring term limits. Still, they voted against them. Voters got the final word: 79 % of voters opted to limit terms of the people the Metro Council appoints to boards and commissions.

Yes, but who’s for it?

Councilwoman Lorri Burgess spends the month voicing her opposition to Plan Baton Rouge’s draft to revitalize the impoverished Old South Baton Rouge she represents. After all—who would support such a bold plan to improve such a struggling neighborhood? How about the 1,000 residents who showed up at five public hearings to say so?

The bookkeeper had an eraser

You can pull out the books now—they’re cooked. A former bookkeeper for the Capital Region Planning Commission is convicted of diverting nearly $180,000 in government funds for personal plans of her own.

Goin’ walkabout

During a heated town hall meeting in which Councilman Byron Sharper repeatedly shouts down Mayor Kip Holden, the usually cool mayor calls Sharper, and Councilmembers Lorri Burgess and Ulysses “Bones” Addison, a “kangaroo court” then walks out. Somewhere, Bobby Simpson is not missing his old job.

Mr. Sharper? Miss Understood to see you, sir

A 21-year-old woman tells police that Councilman Byron Sharper sexually harassed and fondled her at a job interview. Charges are later dropped as a misunderstanding. Byron, we’re with you, brother—it’s terrible being misunderstood. Like whenever we pull a gun on a bank teller and ask for all the money, the bank starts crying bank robbery. What’s up with that?

Believe me, Oprah! I’m not a scientologist!

Mayor Kip Holden, who worships at Greater King David Baptist Church, denies rumors he’s a scientologist. He insists he’s not affiliated with the Church of Scientology, he merely has relationships with some of its members, most notably, John Travolta and Kelly Preston.

Just ask the kid

A House committee approves a bill requiring all state flags to feature three, and only three, blood drops on the pelican’s breast, after historical inconsistencies were discovered and reported by a Houma eighth grader. We want to see itemized timesheets for this one.

Na na na! You can’t see me!

Everybody knows the best way to radiate innocence is to shield your face at the very first sign of scrutiny. BREC Commissioner Darrell Glasper pulls this timeless tactic before storming out of a BREC meeting as 225 snaps photos of him for our June “War for Our Parks” cover story.

The pleasure’s all ours, Joe

Mayor Pro Tem Joe Greco limits citizen speeches to five minutes at Metro-Council meetings, but tells The Advocate that he’ll never cut off a councilmember because he serves “at the pleasure of the Council.” Really? We thought you were supposed to serve the public that elected you.

Cold, hard cash

The FBI reveals in an 83-page affidavit that it has video footage of Rep. William Jefferson taking a $100,000 cash bribe, $90,000 of which was found last August chilling in the freezer of his Washington, D.C., home. Maybe Jefferson should submit the tape to America’s Funniest Home Videos to win at least some of the money back.

Fighting words

State lawmakers once again decide to protect the time-honored tradition of cockfighting in Louisiana—one of only two states that allow this so-called sport. News flash, Legislature: when New Mexico keeps saying things like “It’s just you and me, amigo,” it might be time to rethink things.

From the political strategy magazine Duh

Reports surface that for five months, Gov. Kathleen Blanco has quietly contemplated turning Interstates10 and 12 into toll roads. Baton Rougeans quietly contemplate not voting for her again.

Think about it, people—better snacks, better governance

The Metro Council requests new snack machines for its chambers because members get hungry during the overlong meetings. Someone get Joe Greco an Almond Joy, stat!

Money! Whoopee!

Shocker: The Compensation Review Commission, a creation of the state Legislature, proposes a 12% pay increase for—wait for it—state legislators.

HURRICANES BRING OUT THE BEST IN EVERYONE

Plus I get to run all the red lights? Count me in!

Convicted felon Chuck Henderson lands a $12.5 million FEMA contract to provide 50 ambulances to Katrina-ravaged Louisiana. Any problems? He has no access to the vehicles and zero experience providing emergency and medical support. If there’s one thing FEMA loves, it’s a hearty background check.

It’s a hurricane party

As of press time, 79 people this year have been charged with filing fraudulent claims with FEMA in the Middle District of Louisiana. Congratulations on your failed attempts to illegally profit from the largest natural disaster in state history!

Faculty support taken to a new level

Worried about securing future federal funding for the university, LSU Vice Chancellor Michael Ruffner decides the New York Times opinion page is the best place to trash Team Louisiana spokesman and LSU Hurricane Center deputy director Ivor van Heerden. After all, van Heerden’s an outspoken critic of post-Katrina red tape. Van Heerden’s analytical dissection of Katrina, The Storm, has since been hailed as a revelation by scientists and the Times itself.

HIGHER LEARNING

And a one and a two . . .

The LSU athletic department reports its own violation of NCAA rules for hiring non-university instructors to run a summer fitness program combing yoga and pilates for the football team. No comment from Chase Pitt-man on whether the violation was worth it, but the senior defensive end has looked lighter on his toes this season.

Badges? I don’t need no stinkin’ badges

A teacher at Central Private School is charged with 60 counts of forgery, including bogus Social Security cards and drivers’ licenses from El Salvador, Honduras, and Mexico. Workers at Best Buy find the IDs on her computer while they copy her music to CDs. Nice collar for the boys in blue.

Putting the ‘read’ in ‘read-y to play some video games!’

Greenwell Springs Road Regional Branch Library decides to host video game marathons in an effort to get more young boys excited about reading. Because blowing up stuff on Halo 2 is the perfect primer for To Kill A Mockingbird.

Smokin’ good deal

LSU Athletic Director Skip Bertman sells his summer baseball camp to replacement baseball coach Smoke Laval for $100,000, then fails to report the transaction to university officials. Did Bertman, in effect, sell the LSU coaching job to Laval? Can fans get a refund? And will U.S. Rep. William Jefferson unfreeze some assets and make his own bid for the camp? We may never know.

Coach, these are the wrong kind of reps

LSU assistant conditioning coach Travelle Gaines is arrested for setting up student-athletes on blind dates with a sports agent at his apartment. Dwayne Bowe and LaRon Landry turn him in. Apparently the bear crawl drill was the last straw.

Pay your fee, get your ‘B’

A former associate registrar at Southern University who pleaded guilty to accepting more than half a year’s salary in bribes for changing student grades, testifies against one student who paid him $3,500 for a phony transcript.

WITHHOLDING THE LAW

Stamped off the force

The East Baton Rouge Sheriff’s Office single-handedly makes food stamp fraud trendy again, and four deputies resign over the scandal. Save those stamps guys, you can use ’em now.

Now that’s a divorce

Law firm DeSalvo and Harris calls it quits the classy way. And by classy we mean a string of allegations, including phone tapping and stealing of clients. Lawsuits are filed by both parties. Well, duh.

Faked out

Larry Wright, a deputy sheriff, is arrested on drug and gun charges after taking $2,500 and a quarter kilo of artificial cocaine from an FBI informant in exchange for promising to make the informant’s pending felony charges “disappear.” Officer Wright, you’re

a credit to the force.

STRANGER THAN FICTION

Messing with the vote

Because the change would put the elections prior to his daughter’s 18th birthday, a local lawyer sues Gov. Blanco and Secretary of State Al Ater for moving the Louisiana primaries from Nov. 7 to Oct 7.

Floating on thin air

A Washington couple weds at the Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade before riding together on their “Flock like an Egyptian” float.

In frats, if it breathes, it drinks

Director of Greek Affairs Angela Guillory reports that she is unable to determine if alcohol played a factor in the accidental burning of a member of Phi Gamma Delta by a bonfire during the fraternity’s annual Fiji Island party. She’s right not to jump to conclusions. It was probably Mountain Dew in that cup.

Creepy? Nah! You look lovely!

LSU alumni Daniel and Clare Norman hold a goth wedding ceremony in Foster Hall. The couple chose the day for the numerological significance of 6/6/06.

AT LEAST IT WASN’T US

I can explain, officer

Police issue Willie Nelson and friends misdemeanor citations for possession of magic mushrooms and a pound and a half of marijuana after pulling over his tour bus on Interstate 10 near Lafayette. Officers report Nelson is cooperative and relaxed. No kidding.

Problem, officer?

Try talking your way out of this one. While pulling onto the shoulder to make a u-turn on La. 76, a 24-year-old Grosse Tete resident hits a state trooper. Not the patrol car—the officer.

Hello, Mom? You’ll never guess where I am

The son of the interim St. Landry Parish Sheriff is arrested on drug charges. One phone call? What’s mom’s extension again?

Say it, Ray! Say it!

Tact is for suckers. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin defends the slow rehab of the city by taking a swipe at the World Trade Center reconstruction—“You guys in New York can’t get a hole in the ground fixed, and it’s five years later. So let’s be fair.”

LIKE FRESH POTPOURRI

Back of the bus

Tangipahoa Parish Police Department investigates whether a school bus driver broke any laws when she left a 3-year-old student on her bus for the day. Note to frustrated parents: the best way to get your kid to sit still is to leave them on a bus.

Hey wait—how’d that get there?

Sylvia Amato is booked for the introduction of contraband into a penal institution when it was discovered she carried a revolver to visit a life-sentenced murderer. She says she forgot the gun was on her. Yeah, the file baked into a birthday cake, that was intentional, but the gun she forgot.

Mooooo

The pasture was empty that day, my friend. Organizers of Rock-N-Rouge, a bold, outdoor rock festival planned for a St. Gabriel-area ranch, is canceled a day in advance. The much-hyped festival gives the city a black eye instead of a premier party, not to mention a dodgy reputation among the top musicians we’d like to see perform in Baton Rouge.

Try our fresh, delicious packaged news

Tonight in Truthiness—Apparently tired of airing the news, WBRZ Channel 2 decides to spice things up by presenting a videotaped press release about the “ethanol boom” as actual reportage and introducing a flack from the PR firm as a reporter from the station. Role playing is fun!

It was powerful dark

D’oh! Entergy pulls its best Homer Simpson as a power outage sweeps across downtown, LSU, and well, most of South Baton Rouge. State workers are trapped in elevators for nearly an hour, although their productivity reportedly was not affected. And a Metro Council meeting is delayed but continues awkwardly in the dark. Which raises the question: if Metro Council persons speak and no one can see them, are they still wrong?

An arm and a leg—and how about a pancreas?

Talk about gross anatomy. Local transplant recipients sue New York-based Biomedical Tissue Service for selling unscreened tissue and bone to Our Lady of the Lake. And of course, by unscreened we mean limbs and organs carved off of corpses at funeral parlors and morgues.

Jamaican me crazy

A Baton Rouge woman once listed atop the Attorney General’s “Most Wanted” is charged with 84 counts of fraud in a check-cashing scheme. She may have $1 million in illegal funds stashed away and was fond of telling people she already had a “house picked out in Jamaica.” Guess she should’ve moved a little sooner.

Too hot for the Kinchen

ESPNU relieves former LSU star and Super Bowl champion Brian Kinchen of his duties as a color commentator after he jokes that a receiver caressing the ball with his hands is “kind of gay.” On the plus side, Kinchen discovers a way to produce awkward silence among overly chatty sportscasters, a feat that should be patented and sold, like, yesterday.

The December cover story (“The Year in Blunders”) included a few blunders of our own.

In the legal dispute between ex-law partners Jack Harris and Vincent DeSalvo, Harris alleged in a lawsuit that DeSalvo tapped his phones and stole clients. Those allegations are part of a pending lawsuit and are unproven.

A man arrested and charged with possession with intent to distribute drugs last August in Lafayette was Adrian Balthazar, son of then-interim sheriff of St. Landry Parish, Laura Balthazar.

And Bretton Somers, the LSU student who streaked at a Tiger football game, pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of obscenity.

225 regrets the errors.