Tag, you’re it

Well, there’s only five days left in alligator season, and the big concern on everyone’s mind is “tagging out,” adding to the romance of the hunt. Not everyone finds the rain romantic, though. Take, for instance, RJ and Jay Paul. They like to troll around in an airboat to get their gators, but the rain and the gale-force winds make it nearly impossible for them to make much progress. But once they go home and get a skiff, they’re off to the races and two dozen gators closer to filling their tags. Jacob and Chase Landry, on the other hand, have embraced the whimsy of the downpour and have even broken out a special meal for the occasion—rotten beef melt. Yummy, right? Of course, they have absolutely no trouble filling their tags and celebrating with their father, Troy, afterwards.

The Edwards A-Team—Junior and his son Willie, who is actually older than him (impossible, I know, but still true), have trouble in the rain at first, but they don’t call themselves the A-Team for nothing. By episode’s conclusion, they’re in great shape to fill all their tags by week’s end. One man who’s in great peril, however, is Bruce “Keep Your Shirt On” Mitchell. He’s been gator-hunting for thirty-one years and has never not filled his tags, but things are not looking good for old Bruce or his exposed nipples.

This brings me to the question that I’ve been building to: why is it so crucial that the swamp people fill all their tags? What happens to them if they don’t? I’ve done extensive research, including an exclusive interview with someone from the State, and I discovered the ugly, disturbing truth. As it turns out, at the end of the season, all the alligator hunters must turn in to the Department of Wildlife and Fisheries their unfilled tags. This is where things get gruesome. The wardens from the DWF take those unfilled tags and distribute them to the alligators, giving them carte blanche to hunt the swamp people. So for each unfilled tag a hunter turns in, that’s one vengeful gator that has eleven months of free reign to terrorize him until next season starts. And you can bet the swamp people have made their fair share of enemies over the past month.

So Bruce, here’s a helpful hint: when chased by a gator, just bop it on the nose.