Tackling government – 10 simple ways the shutdown can end

Warning: some links provided in this text have inappropriate language.
Disclaimer: This is satire, prudes.

I had this epic rant planned. I would go all Good Will Hunting on everyone and set the entire record straight on the federal government’s existential crisis during this shutdown.

I would call out Congressman Randy Neugebauer for being a jerk.

I would call John Boehner a hack.

I would discuss the pros and cons of something that’s already been signed into law. But John Stewart’s already done this too well.

Since the government shutdown, no good has come from Washington, D.C., and the amount of idiocy has only shined brighter. What key pundits and talking heads have missed is that when dealing with children, you must talk to them like children.

In an effort to alleviate this awful situation, I’ve thought of 10 simple ways the shutdown can end. Oh, and if you’re reading, members of government, please take offense to this. Get angry. Get Howard Beale mad and get back to work.

1. Elect Vince McMahon, president of WWE, as the interim Congressional overseer, and allow him to elect his own cabinet of formative figures like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, CM Punk, Triple H and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
These wrestlers can limit the amount of crying from men who are making more than $200,000 a year. If anyone continues to be out of line, they must indeed smell what The Rock is cooking or fight in a cage match with Mankind or The Undertaker.

2. Make Congressional sessions frat parties.
Making a good point? Do a keg stand. Want to argue? Do a longer keg stand. Want to battle Barack Obama in GTA V? Do so in the middle of your keg stand. Hilary Clinton featuring LMFAO will be the DJs for the real 2013 Congressional blackout, bro.

3. Play a pick-up basketball game.
Look, Congress has a lot of white people—this would be hilarious.

4. Play a pick-up game of flag football.
Look, Congress has a lot of old white people—this would be hilarious.

5. Force everyone to meet at Applebee’s.
Nothing says “this is the end” like half-price apps, fiesta lime chicken and the special 2-for-$20 menu. Applebee’s, see you tomorrow…or never.

6. Every time someone can’t say something productive, they get soap in their mouths.
I remember when I got soap in my mouth and so will you if you don’t bring anything but your unorganized thought patterns to the podium.
Also, get better speechwriters. Sheesh. Can you guys read? Do you read what they write for you? It’s bad. Get an editor. You’re out there, saying the worst stuff time and time again, and every sentence ends with “buh.” Maybe if you read what you said afterwards you’d think twice about being a mouthpiece for something you don’t know anything about.

7. Make the stakes incredibly low.
Right now, everybody’s talking about changing the world. I know every Congressperson thinks he or she is Live Aid ’85, but what you’re doing is of little importance. No matter how many people you poll, you’re still not doing what the majority of American people want you to do, which is legalize weed. So, until you start talking about that, a lot of stoners … I mean people … really don’t care about a budget and debt ceilings. Just let Afroman in there to convince you how quirky life can be.

8. While you’re discussing this in the chambers, play Metallica’s St. Anger.
This will only make things get brutal because it’s “heavy, man” or go quickly because the snare drum still sounds like Lars Ulrich was beating on a filing cabinet for 72 minutes. And the title track has a video filmed in a prison. WOAH.

9. When someone talks about “issues,” respond with “Gesundheit.”

10. Remember those etiquette courses you took when you were seven? Recall them, please and end this already.
You guys make selfish brats like Kanye West, Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus look ancient. I know y’all took some etiquette courses—you fake-smile all the time. C’mon, do that a little more and keep this country running.

In all seriousness, no matter which side you’re on, if you’re in Congress right now, Americans are embarrassed because a shutdown only shows we’ve elected people who are interested in self-indulgence more than the rights of the people they serve. Forgive me if I start to sound like Will Hunting, but my man was wicked smart.