Significant shrinkage

Forget CNBC econo-madman Jim Cramer.

Disregard the financial pundits. Never mind the Motley Fool. Ignore Warren Buffet.

I’ve got your economic predictions right here. I predict the economy’s next victims are in your television, specifically—the programs. Producers, I forecast, are poised to assert unprecedented modesty across the broadcast spectrum.

The first to feel the pain will be the gaudy Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, which now seems so capricious. Loathe to appear cruel to their growing legions of jobless viewers, television execs will hold a tumultuous board room meeting and then announce the show’s re-incarnation: Who Wants A Couple Of Bucks.

And like dominoes, the rest of the broadcast world will scale down, pare back, and impose upon itself significant shrinkage.

On a Sunday night in the not-too distance future we’ll find ourselves tuning in to Extreme Makeover: Tent Edition, where Ty Pennington, still hoarse and over-excited, will present a destitute, deserving family with new sleeping bags and an eco-friendly Coleman lantern.

The formerly arrogant mystery-solving Dr. Gregory House will be confined to diagnosing more pedestrian ailments in a cramped, makeshift clinic called Shed.

Although it’s filmed in Canada, 24 won’t escape U.S. economic shrinkage and will downsize to 12.

Sniffling on our sofas on sick days, we’ll tune in to The Price is Wrong, where contestants will compete not for extravagant showcases, but for the actual, cheesy consumer products for which they must guess the prices. “Guess what?” a beaming Drew Carey will declare. “Ida Blechley from Plymouth, that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is yours!”

Predictably, Smallville will shrivel into Littlebittyville.

Hollywood’s self-absorption will even feel the economic noose. Nip/Tuck will morph into Upsize/Untuck, wherein budget-conscious L.A. narcissists will hide physical imperfections beneath cheap sunglasses and layered clothes.

How I Met Your Mother will devolve into I Don’t Even Know Your Mother where a married Ted will break up his household (on paper only) to lower the family’s taxable income.

Dancing With the Stars will degrade to Sleeping Under The Stars about a group of former celebrities now homeless and living in a city park.

Cheery Good Morning America will relaunch wisely as the modest At Least We’re Alive, America with monotone host comedian Steven Wright. “Ladies and gentlemen,” Wright will deadpan, “let’s go live to Willard Scott in Sibley, Iowa. Willard?”

And prepare your kids for this: Hannah Montana is to become Hadda Move to Montana as the IRS mounts a non-stop search for the Cyrus family on the run for dodging taxes.

Local shows won’t be immune from the sting.

Around Town will become Just Certain Bits of Town, while Harley enthusiasts accustomed to watching LA Rider will tune in to a more fuel-efficient LA Walker.

Public safety may even suffer as CrimeStoppers downsizes to CrimeDiscouragers.

But in what might just be the most heart-breaking TV downgrade of all, Tumey’s Travels will become Tumey Ain’t Going Anywhere.