Overcoming disrespect

In August, local author and Manners of the Heart doyenne Jill Rigby released her second book, Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World.

By Oct. 5, the book was in its second printing, with the possibility of worldwide distribution since Rigby has been besieged by offers for translation into several languages.

In the book, Rigby examines the damage wrought by popular theories of self-esteem parenting (which largely promotes instant gratification and other tactics that allow children to feel good about themselves) for raising well-adjusted children. It also explores the perils of the pop cultural influences outside the home. Her book suggests step-by-step, age-appropriate strategies for parents to keep their kids on the right track and to reinforce their values.

“I hate I had to write this book,” Rigby says wistfully. “I would have rather written Raising Respectful Children in a Respectful World,” Rigby says.

225 sat down with her last fall to ask about her book and parenting.

To what do you attribute all the interest? The title?

The book came from the popular speaking topics. Three years ago, I put together a talk titled Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World for a Character Education Conference in Dallas.

Everybody wants respect, but we’re having trouble finding it. In all generations, there is this problem with lack of respect. Teenagers even talk about “dissing” each other. Disrespectfulness is resonating with the self-esteem issue. People want more respect. The groundbreaking thing I’ve found is the real truth is self-esteem has been a lie, and we’ve all bought into it. Parents are trying to raise respectful children, but the world was so disrespectful.

How do you define manners?

Manners are the foundation for morals. [Lack of manners is] part of why we’ve had moral decay in society. Manners is an attitude of the heart. It is self-giving, not self-serving. Etiquette—how to fold your napkin, which spoon to use—are the rules. Manners are the motive why you do what you do. We focus so much attention on self-esteem and outward appearances of things. Mastermind criminals know all the rules of etiquette, and they could rob you blind.

Parents have taught their children to “put on their manners” for certain situations to impress someone and use them to get something in return. Even for the parent. “If my children use good manners, Mr. Smith will be impressed and think I’m a good parent.” Manners of the Heart (Rigby’s first book) is helping manners become part of children and teach them the joy because it’s the right thing to do.

[At a speaking engagement,] one mom said she had a 13-year-old daughter and was concerned about respectfulness. The mom said, “She’s so aggressive; but when we go somewhere, she gets compliments, and she’s a little witch at home.” I had to ask the mom about her own attitude. It’s harder to instill an attitude of respectfulness at home. The home is where we make mistakes.

Besides being disrespectful, the world’s also very dangerous. Is there a way for parents to teach their children to be appropriately respectful without creating easy victims in a world full of John Mark Karrs, pedophile priests and other predators masquerading as teachers, policemen, etc.?

You can instill respectfulness yet at the same time help kids develop an internal thermometer. They can discern if something’s not right. Parents can tell their kids, “If an adult asks something of you that goes against something else we’ve taught you, don’t do it.” There’s that line. The child can say nicely, “I’m sorry, but Mom and Dad told me I can’t answer that question [about an address, etc.],” or “I’m sorry, but I can’t hold your hand.” Parents need to teach their children everything that needs to be taught, and there are danger points.

Is there any hope for the future? Or are we destined for an increasingly rude and disrespectful world?

The hope I see is in working with the younger kids, the 10-year-olds. They see through all the phoniness of today. They see we’re not walking the talk. There’s resurgence with our children 13- to 14-year-olds. There’s so much hope. This generation will look in different places than we did [for fulfillment and happiness]. They see the way we’ve gone about life hasn’t worked—and they get it—and that’s pushing them to look for something better. They want to get it right. They’re rebelling for structure and parental involvement.