How to improve ‘Twilight’

In theaters today: Happy Feet Two, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

New on DVD/Blu-ray: Beginners, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II, Larry Crowne

All I remember about first hearing of Twilight in 2008 was the volume of the buzz. Every single major television network—MTV in particular—and hundreds of blogs and news sites seemed obsessed with what they all agreed was a phenomenon in the making. The suave Cedric Digory from Harry Potter and the little girl from Panic Room were all grown up and poised to be global sensations with this modern vampire series dreamt up by a first time author in her sleep.

I watched that first entry in the series for two reasons. First, to see what all the deafening fuss was about, and second, because it was directed by Catherine Hardwicke, who had just helmed the The Lords of Dogtown, a remarkable look at the birth of skateboard culture in 1970s Venice Beach, California, starring Emile Hirsch and Heath Ledger. Unfortunately, what I found was stilted dialogue, an unbelievable all-too-rushed high school crush, and a set of pristine, plastic vampires who looked like American Eagle Outfitters models and wouldn’t know Bram Stoker, Stephen King or Anne Rice if they bit them on the neck.

I have seen bits and pieces of the sequels since then, and certainly read a ton about these films and books—particularly since production for Breaking Dawn, the latest in the series arriving in theaters this Friday, descended on Baton Rouge for several months last fall and winter. By now everyone is aware of the term “Twi-hards” and the even more bizarre phenomenon, “Twilight Moms,” while Teams Edward and Jacob are the favored franchises of many teen and pre-teen girls, clubs that, like the Yankees and Red Sox, have the staunchest of fans, their own brands and jerseys, wall posters and cheers.

And yet for all of its popularity and hype, at its heart these stories are flawed. The books may resonate with young girls and their mothers, but as a larger cinematic experience, they are a missed opportunity. Yes there is potential in an epic modern vampire story. No, Twilight does not fulfill it. And so, to celebrate the arrival of Breaking Dawn, a film that is an incredible boost to the Baton Rouge and Louisiana film industries, here is my list of five simple ways to improve upon Twilight:

1. Better acting. I don’t mean Kristen Stewart. She’s fine. I mean Bella. She’s no heroine, she’s a damsel with questionable intelligence and far too passive. Whenever she does take initiative, it’s usually some emo-style acting out to harm herself like when she slices her arm open as a diversion for a bloodthirsty vampire or repeatedly tries to commit suicide over Edward. What kind of message is that sending to young girls?

2. More vamping. I plain don’t like the rules author Stephenie Meyer uses for her vampires. Basically, the Cullen clan have all the benefits of being undead—eternal youth, super strength, ESP—and none of the drawbacks—the wooden stakes, the coffins, the aversions to sunlight and crosses and holy water. Oh, and they are the good guys. Forget centuries of vampire lore, the Cullens are just your friendly neighborhood bloodsuckers. In Twilight world, being a vampire is a breeze. Are you too nice to kill humans? No problem. Just feast on bunnies and deer! Do you glow like glitter in the sun? No worries. Rural Washington has cloud cover 24/7! Don’t want to look like an outcast? That’s cool. Go to high school…and the prom!

3. More tension. This hunky-dory characterization of vampires in Twilight leads right into my next point: tension. There really is very little of it in these movies, save for the aforementioned love triangle, and that will-she-or-won’t-she drama gets most of the attention anyway. But if the vampires actually struggled with their, ahem, lives, their addictions and their souls, then I would understand Edward’s reluctance to bite Bella and turn her into his eternal bride. As portrayed, there really is very little downside to this damnation, and that makes Edward look like a chauvinist who only loves Bella because she is, in vampire terms, “virginal.”

4. Fewer Cullens. There are just too many of them. Giving Edward one vampire “sister” and one older mentor figure would tighten the narrative and strengthen his character. I understand why Hardwicke had Nikki Reed there in the first installment—Reed penned Hardwicke’s film Thirteen at the age of 14—but other than Ashley Greene’s telepathic Alice, the rest of the family is so underutilized as to be disposable. There’s the one that rides standing in the back of the pickup, the quiet one who looks like he’s passing gas, there’s the pale one—oh, wait…

5. Fewer abs. They aren’t just a bunch of dudes hanging around in the woods with their shirts off, they’re werewolves. Of course! But the fact remains that this wolfpack looks like rejects from an Abercrombie catalog, and we’re supposed to take them seriously? Maybe they can wear some T-shirts next time around. I think I know where to find a few thousand of them that read “Team Jacob.”