How to fight bullying

Bullying is no longer just kids’ stuff. While not every conflict between children is bullying, those that fit the criteria can quickly escalate. Early detection is often the key to avoiding a tragic outcome.

To prevent, detect and resolve bullying situations, adolescent psychiatrist Joseph Grizzaffi, M.D., I CARE Director Becky Young and specialist Gwynn Shamlin suggest parents:

• Listen to their children carefully: Although families are insanely busy rushing to work, school, extracurricular activities and other commitments, parents must make time to talk with each of their children daily about anything that is important in that child’s life. Parents need to take their children’s concerns seriously rather than just brushing them off as trivial. Constant communication is the only way to detect subtle changes in mood, appetite or other behaviors that might indicate something unusual is going on.

• Report and communicate with the school: If the school does not know what’s happening, teachers and administrators can’t monitor the situation or intervene. At the first sign of trouble, parents need to alert the teachers, administrators and the school’s ICARE professional.

• Observe behavior at home: To look for changes that might be significant, parents need to know:

• How their children spend their time;

• How many friends do their children have; and,

• How their children communicate with friends (phone, social media or in person).

• Network and communicate with other parents: Again, it’s essential for parents to know what’s going on with their children: whom they are with, what kind of family their friends come from, where they live, where they are. What better way to find out than talking with friends’ parents? However, there is huge caveat: ICARE professional never encourage the parents of a bullying victim to confront the parents of the bully. Very often, the bullying behavior has been learned or demonstrated at home. To avoid escalation of the situation, that discussion is best left to professionals.

• Develop strategies to strengthen their children’s confidence, social network and ability to handle minor incidents.

• Find a positive peer group: Sometimes kids need their parents’ help in finding a niche where they belong. Even if the parent or even an older sibling has fond memories of basketball or ballet friends, it’s important to realize every child is different and has different talents and interests. The parents’ task is to discover a supportive peer group. Besides acquiring new skills, kids frequently find friends as they participate activities such as Boy or Girl Scouts; team sports; music, drama, math, astronomy and other arts and academic clubs; a church, synagogue or other religious group; or volunteer or service organizations.

• Report the Bullying ASAP: Parents need to teach children: If they are bullied, they need to tell a trusted adult immediately; otherwise, the abuse will perpetuate itself.

• Avoid predictability: Parents need to equip their children with a range of techniques and strategies to deal with bullies. If the targeted child uses the same strategy, the bully will simply adapt. The element of surprise is the key. So, for example, one day, the intended victim might walk away. To confront the bully another day, the child might respond to an insult. If the abuse happens again, the child might report the problem to an adult.

• Be assertive not aggressive: Regardless of whether their children are being bullied or not, it’s still good to have a plan in case the need suddenly arises. Children need to learn how to stand up for their own rights and trampling someone else’s. It is also imperative for the children to differentiate assertive from aggressive behaviors. Because, if a child takes a gun to school or starts throwing punches, those acts will be interpreted as aggressive. Even if the child has been bullied, the consequences are likely to be severe.

Even parents well prepared to advise their children on how to handle in-your-face bullying are often at a loss when it comes to dealing with derogatory online posts. Parents often ask ICARE Director Becky Young: “Is this normal? Is this just kids being kids?”

“Well, kids will be kids, and there’s always been bullying around. [But] it seems to be heightened now because of the access to the social media. When one kid used to make fun of another in the schoolyard, maybe just a few people heard it. Now, dozens of their friends hear it [as it is reposted continually].

[So] If a young child has any kind of social media account, the parent needs to have access to it. They need to read it every single day. They are going to be shocked at what they see. They are going to be shocked at the behaviors, the language and the things [the kids] talk about on there. They need to get on read it, or they are really just out of the loop of what’s going on with their kids.

You can unfriend people and you can delete accounts, and parents need to be aware of that. And, even if the account is deleted, the comments can continue; but, at least, your child doesn’t have to be witness to it. And really, if there is cyber bullying of any kind, get them off [social media]. If my kid is failing school because he’s watching TV too much and not studying, I’m going to turn the TV off.

[Sometimes] the parents don’t want to delete the account because they feel like that’s their child’s only social connection. Nobody deserves to be bullied. However, when children have no friends—except those they randomly know on Facebook—that’s a problem. Then, parents need to help their children find a friend group where they fit in.”