For Whom the Bell Tolls

Cajun Pawn Stars is back for its third season! I know what you’re thinking, “Three seasons in nine months?” Just go with it.

Our first poor sap of the season, Brian, has brought in a handwritten copy of the lyrics to “My Country ‘Tis of Thee,” by Samuel Smith. Brian says it’s been handed down in his family from generation to generation, so he’s pawning it to pay some bills.

Jimmie over-explains, “It’s rumored that Smith wrote this in a half hour on a scrap of paper.” And I guess this would impress me more if he hadn’t just been brainstorming new lyrics to “God Save the King.” My friend Mary and I made up new lyrics about the national deficit to the Barney theme song when we were in sixth grade (It’s pretty awesome. Message me if you want a copy.)

Jimmie just so happens to have a historical documents expert waiting in the wings to examine the document for authenticity: “After evaluating this piece it is my professional opinion that this piece is… (wait for it)… authentic.”

They settle on $750, and Brian vows, “I am definitely going to be getting this back or my grandfather is going to be turning in his grave.” And I wish they followed these stories up at the end of the episodes. Did Brian ever return? Is it actually possible for a corpse to turn in its grave?

Speaking of rotating grandfathers, Dennis has come in to forfeit his grandfather’s signed Johnny Unitas football and photograph in order to fund a deep-sea fishing trip. Dennis, with his size, neck width, and general demeanor, would appear to me to be a football fan, so why, Dennis? Why?

Jimmie and Dennis go back and forth over the terms of a swap for a nice reel for this incredibly crucial fishing trip. Finally having picked out a reel, Dennis says, “As long as it can reel up a tuna…” and Jimmie just stares at him and bites his lip. For a really long time. Excruciating silence. And then Dennis concludes, “… sounds like a deal to me.” Then Dennis professes to the camera, “I love deep sea fishing. I kind of feel like Ernest Hemingway when I’m out there.” Which explains a lot for me. Rather than a footballer, as I originally had interpreted his appearance, Dennis was actually channeling “Papa.” Well, Dennis, maybe when you’re out there on the sea, you’ll remember the old man that got you there. And you’ll know For Whom the Bell Tolls. It tolls for thee, Dennis. It tolls for thee.