Too Trill – A guest blog by Michael Connelly

Adrienne’s note: Michael is my 15-year-old brother, and my 15-year-old best friend. He is quick-witted and gregarious and keeps me fresh with the up-and-coming dope. He reads the news daily, and if he went through my college courses during the same time as I did, when he was ages 11-15, he would have tutored me throughout.

He’s also an artist like me. He plays piano, guitar, drums and ukulele all while killin’ it at tennis and intellectualism. He shreds gnar on the RipStick and pole-vaults over our pool with the pool skimmer. He just got his driving permit and makes me uncontrollably carsick each time I ride with him due to his energetic driving style. That’s not to say I’m a better driver than he is. He’s fearless and comedic, and I probably brag on him too much because he’s my only sibling.

by Michael Connelly

Movies are pretty much the dopest form of entertainment. Movies can change one’s mood and/or alter one’s take on life completely in two hours. Movies evolve drastically due to technology advances since they first were introduced, but some remain timeless in my book due to their majestic mood-swaying powers. Here are 10 of my go-to pick-me-upperz, dopest of the dope-a-donkalous motion pictures, in a countdown format to add suspense.

21 Jump Street
This twist on a buddy-cop story will forever be one of my favorites. It starts off with the stereotypical high school jock-bully (Greg, played by Channing Tatum) and loser-n3rd (Morton, played by Jonah Hill) that both are cops in their adult life and eventually become good friends. After a lot of messing up, they are reassigned to an undercover program. They are on a mission, disguised as high schoolers, to solve the case of where or whom the newest street drug, HFS, is coming from. This movie is just over the top; it’s absolutely outrageous and absurd, categorizing it as a downright classic in my book. I saw this on my 14th birthday and will never forget it. It’s one of those movies where each audience member has at least two aneurisms from laughing so hard.

Taken
LIAM NEESON. LIAM NEESON IS MY [expletive]. This movie is successfully suspenseful and unsuccessfully realistic while being successfully classic. It’s a tragedy, it’s an action, it’s maybe a thrillaaa, most even find it comedic. Basically this chick gets kidnapped in another country and sold into sex-slavery, and her yoked dad puts the hurt on every villain in his path in pursuit of finding her. Enough said, let’s move on to #8.

Nacho Libre
“Get that corn outta my faaace!” This motion picture is a tale about Ignacio (Jack Black), a monastery worker who wants to be a champion wrestler with the goal of defeating reining champ, the giant Ramses. With the help of a homeless chip thief-made-friend Steven, the encouragement of the orphans at the monastery, the motivation of winning over nun/babe Sister Encarnación, the inspiration from purposely stranding himself in a small desert, and some eagle-egg nutrients, he wrestles his way up the ladder until he is finally given the chance to go up against the infamous wrestler Ramses in an epic duel. I have probably watched this movie a little over a dozen times with my sister, and we laugh just as explosively as we did the first time. This is the greatest wrestling movie I’ve seen in all of my 15.34 years.

Shallow Hal
Another Jack Black classic, this movie’s moral is literally life changing. A shallow guy with standards set much higher than those of a person of his stature should be gets hypnotized to literally see people for who they really are on the inside. For instance, a good-looking nurse whose personality was rotting with evil looked to him like an old wrinkly hag-bag. On the contrary, a morbidly obese woman with a heart of gold appeared to him in a lingerie store as a blonde babe sent from heaven. He saw her as a sexy woman when in reality it was only her personality that was the sexy woman. Genius! When I was like 4 my dad and I watched this at least twice a month—at least. I vowed to never judge a book by its cover and try to be nice to errrryboddy no matter their appearance. This movie’s effect still has a hold on my brain. For instance, there was this blonde babe at my school who was totally hot but then when she opened her mouth nothing but rude and hateful things came out, and soon enough she literally morphed in front of my eyes into Jar Jar Binks with a set of fake eyelashes and a blonde wig. “I see,” said the blind man to his deaf wife.

School of Rock
So I like Jack Black a little. “You’re tacky, and I hate you!!” This movie is the pinnacle of all that is Jack Black. This is THE movie I grew up watching. Not only is this motion picture the bible of classic rock, it teaches you the basics of life in sing-song. When a passionate musician unrightfully gets booted from his own band due to his lengthy solo shred-seshes during their shows, he is forced to pretend he is his roommate, Ned Schneebly, when a high-paying private school temp job is offered to him. He follows through with being an undercover substitute teacher for the money, but when he finds out the majority of the children in the class are musical prodigies, he reforms his band with the kids to partake in his dream of winning Battle of the Bands (of course illegally and under the radar of the school’s real authorities). What a bro. I’m also really jealous of his eyebrow tricks.

The Hangover
“TIGERS LOVE PEPPER. They hate cinnamon.” The original The Hangover is my favorite comedy ever. Zach Galifianakis KILLS IT as Alan in this breakout role. I was laughing to the point where I had a yoked out, Kenyan style 8-pack when I left the theater. I even dressed up as Alan for my school’s Halloween party in 6th grade with a side-part, a real human hair goatee my sister super glued to my face, that mainstream shirt with the graphic of baby Carlos wearing the BluBlocker sunglasses, and a satchel that held a bag of skittles. I felt like such a bro when the seniors at my school said that I “won Halloween.” God, I was such a chill 6th grader. If you haven’t seen this movie then you need to seriously reevaluate your life.

Lion King
NAAAAAANTS INGONYAAAAMAAAA BAGITHI BABAAAAAA! Or whatever it is. This is the best Disney movie EVER. In this movie Simba, a swagged-out lion baby and son of Mufasa, embarks on a journey to be king after his cray uncle Scar straight jacks his dad up. It’s an emotional LOL-lercoaster full of dope jam seshes like “Hakuna Matata.” Drink dirty Mexico City tap water twice if you haven’t watched this movie. Then sit down and think about what you have (or in this case haven’t) done.

Perks of being a Wallflower
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” Perks, a righteous movie adapted from the book by Stephen Chbosky, is a coming-of-age story about a not so swaggy high school freshman who, through his #new_friends, is exposed to a new way of life (sex, drugs, booze, and friendship). This is the kind of movie that makes you question what you’re doing with your own life. Featuring: Charlie (played by the sexy Logan Lerman), Sam (portrayed by the goddess Emma Watson), and Patrick (played by the stud Erza Miller).

Shawshank Redemption
Because, I mean, who doesn’t want to watch a movie about a guy crawling through a sewer? OH AND ALSO THE MAN MORGAN FREEMAN IS IN IT. THIS MOVIE IS AS 2nd PLACE DOPE AS IT GETS.

Forrest Gump
“JEN-NAY.”

by Michael Connelly

These poems were written as part of a school project for my freshman English class. We had to write 31 poems, all different poetry styles, and compile them into a book with pictures. I dedicated my book to Pimp C, R.I.P. I would have gotten a 165/155, but I managed to turn it in 2 days late landing me at a solid 151/155. Well played. I hope you enjoy this literature.

Chopsticks
In a world where
Perfect utensils have been developed
For the purpose
Of Eating
One continent uses
Two sticks to eat
They can be
Bamboo
Wood
Metal
Or plastic
These two sticks are
The most inefficient way
Of eating ever
Chopsticks won’t do.

When I Die
Mix my ash with gunpowder
put me in a cannon and
shoot me to the stars

I will float through space
for millions, billions of years
until finally
I will land

On a star?
Maybe.
On a planet?
Maybe.
On an asteroid?
Maybe.

But I will land and
that will be the place where
I can rest in peace

High
There once was a happy guy.
He liked to stare at the sky.
He was late to work,
His boss made him twerk.
So kids, don’t ever get high.

Best Cab Ride Ever
We walked out the restaurant
After a wonder full dinner
Searching for a ride home
Tried to get on the train
But my mom is afraid of meth-heads
Almost as if Lord Jesus Christ himself
Sent a message to the cab driver
To go to where we were standing
He said,
“What’s good? My name’s Jay.
I’ll be driving you today.
Hop up in this car
And we can listen to the Fray!”
My mom said,
“Hey Jay. My name is Ann
I’m from the country of Japan
Yo, this car is so whack
Why are you driving a Sudan?”
He said,
“Hop in, I’ll tell you later.
At least it’s not a freighter.
I got ESPN on the radio
How ’bout them gators?”
He turned off ESPN
And put on a tranquil mix of
“Pimp C, Bun B, Lil’ Boosie
and the whole Trill OG family”
Jay said,
“Are you sure this music is okay ma’am?”
My tipsy mom said,
“Yeah, we bump this all the time”
Talking over the beautiful lyrics about
Killing snitches,
Digging ditches,
And propagating female dogs,
Me and my mom told him our destination.
Jay took the turn onto Garden Oaks Blvd.
He dropped us off with a smile and said
“Bye Mrs. Ann
And keep it real Michael
Call me when you can
And you can pay me in those Ticals!”