‘Thor’ gets hammered

In theaters Friday: Bridesmaids, Everything Must Go [limited], Preist, Skateland [limited]

New on DVD/Blu-ray: Blue Valentine, No Strings Attached

Why is it that after I watch a 2-hour movie in 3D, my eyes feel like they have been glued to a television set for 10 hours straight? I know James Cameron can do a lot with 3D, but I don’t see how he or anyone is going to fix that. So yeah, I watched Thor in 3D, and the movie, which has earned a surprising array of solid reviews, left me shaking my head and rubbing my eyes.

Much has been made of austere English actor and Henry V and Hamlet director Kenneth Branagh taking the helm of the flashy Marvel Comics property Thor, like bringing in the English Lit teacher to oversee P.E. class for the day—ooh, dodgeball is about to get brainy! Well, yes and no.

The fact is, the tale of Thor does contain elements of fundamental Shakespearean grandeur: the quest for a father’s approval, the loss of a birthright, the battle over a crown, sudden ex-communication and betrayal, and the deadly and long-held prejudices of one clan against another. Unfortunately, the five—count ‘em, five!—knuckleheads credited with this story and screenplay chose not to focus properly on any one of these rich elements and instead threw way too many low-stakes action sequences at us and became enamored with clunky, Splash-like fish-out-of-water jokes and a head-scratching “love” story so disjointed that co-star Natalie Portman ought be grateful she’s engaged already, because Thor just might have summoned the power to hammer her dating life to smithereens.

With all the eloquence and poetry of a cereal box, Thor introduces us to a young, otherworldly prince played by Chris Hemsworth. With golden locks and thigh-sized arms, Hemsworth’s Thor looks like he is ready to succeed his father Odin as king if only he weren’t such an obnoxious, self-centered tool bag. After almost single-handedly starting a war with an angry race of ice giants—oh no he didn’t!—Thor’s father, Sir Anthony Hopkins, takes away Thor’s hammer as if it is a favorite toy and banishes his son to New Mexico until he’s ready to behave himself.

Stranded in the desert, Thor is run over, then picked up by Portman’s all-star astronomy trio who were observing the blaze of light that zapped the superhero to earth. Up above, Thor’s little brother Loki schemes to keep his brother on Earth forever and assume the throne himself, while Portman’s scientist gets the proverbial hots for her Abercrombie-ready alien prince.

Now, I’m not opposed to movies that are mindless fun, but Thor kind of forgets the fun. Tonally, it is all over the place with moments of slapstick humor immediately following darker, almost creepy sequences. With its mythic backdrop and a talented director, it is so disappointing to hear this kind of eye-rolling dialog or to even attempt to understand such shallowly scripted characters. As an extended trailer for next year’s The Avengers, it works fairly well. As an epic superhero adventure, this hammer misses the nail completely.