Oh, Henry. The Other Boleyn Girl heads for trouble

In theaters Friday: The Dark Knight, Mamma Mia!
New on DVD: The Bank Job, Shutter, Step Up 2 the Streets

I’m a bit of a geek when it comes to English history, so I love a good story of the monarchy. When others see stuffy melodrama about rich elitists, I see cutthroat derring-do from a time when everyone’s animal instincts were on alert because life at its elemental root was much more precarious and terrifying. These people thought bathing was ridiculous. That’s how tough life was. They essentially traded their daughters for wealth and stature. That’s how status and security ruled over self-dignity.

The Other Boleyn Girl is the familiar story of King Henry VIII and his struggle to produce a male heir. See, Hank fathered a few girls, and they were seen as unfit to rule the country. So much so that dying without a son often resulted in civil war among the other male relatives who would all claim rights to the throne over the king’s daughter. Eric Bana stars as Henry, but definitely takes a backseat to the stars of the show: Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman, who play dueling sisters vying for the love, protection and power of being with the king. Though nice to look at, Johansson and Portman are both miscast here. Petite Portman, fine while wooing the king, can’t muster enough power to play a Queen Anne. With her voice and gaze too soft to overthrow the king’s will, it’s no wonder Bana comes off as dimwitted. If he was intelligent, the whole premise would fall apart. Johansson fairs a little better, but that’s because she is given much less to do, and therefore less to foul up.

A couple of scenes were noteworthy. Portman’s death is surprisingly effecting as she instantly breaks down into the same naďve young girl she was at the beginning of the film as she stands on the chopping block. But in the end, it’s not enough to make the film a success. As it is, it’s an ambitious failure, but hardcore fans of period films might enjoy it. Though, probably less realistic, I find Showtime’s The Tudors more dramatically satisfying. Maybe it’s the drawn-out tension that tells the same story over the course of 10 hours instead two. Or maybe Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Natalie Dormer are that much better in the roles than Bana and Portman. The latter are fine, but both come off as too nice. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen either in a role where they appeared as legitimately conniving or ruthless. Meyers and Dormer have little problem pulling off those traits and with a lot more smoldering chemistry between them.

It’s official. After weeks of speculation, Variety has confirmed that Jack Black, Richard Linklater and company are returning for a sequel to School of Rock. Now, I am a Jack Black fan but one who thinks his talents are best suited for supporting roles. High Fidelity? Sign me up. Shallow Hal? No thanks. In fact, School of Rock is the only lead role I really like him in. So a sequel is fine by me, as long the script is good. Well, there were reports last month that screenwriter Michael White had the script finished and that it actually made him cry. Hmm. That’s interesting. Crying because it is funny, or because it is sad? Now, word is the film involves Black leading a group of summer school kids on a field trip to various cities to study the history of American music. Maybe it is more of a coming-of-age story for the kids, since Black essentially came of age in the original, albeit about 20 years too late. OK, so a road trip movie about the history of rock ‘n’ roll — if they don’t consult Cameron Crowe on this, it will be a big mistake. It certainly sounds like a Crowe film. Actually, he already made this movie with the last 20 minutes of Elizabethtown.

Alright, I’m still not watching any trailers or reading any reviews for The Dark Knight. I want to go in as unspoiled as possible. Last weekend I snuck a peak at the film’s rating at rottentomatoes.com. It was 100% when I checked it! Is that cheating? The Dark Knight premieres this Thursday at a few midnight screenings and opens wide Friday. I’ll be seeing it at least once this weekend, so get ready for an essay on it next week.