225BatonRouge.com

Dear homesick New Orleanian,

On behalf of my fellow Baton Rougeans, I offer this hearty, albeit belated, welcome from 225. Despite the fact most of us are still complaining about the traffic, we welcome all of you who now call this town home. Mi casa es su casa.

By the way, did any of you happen to bring some fresh mini-canolis from Angelo Brocato's? I'll trade you some Cane's chicken fingers and sauce. Just thought I'd offer.

Baton Rouge can be a friendly place, but it also can be a bit of a Red Stick in the mud.

For example, you'll hear us talk about the New Bridge. Guess what? It was built it in 1965. Same goes for the new State Capitol, constructed in 1932.

But for all its foibles, Baton Rouge has some creative, generous and interesting people. And every one of them will gladly tell you what you need to do. In that vein, I offer this personalized, random guide to Baton Rouge, researched over the past 12 years through tedious trial and bungling error.

Gossip. Don't talk badly about someone. Anyone. Especially in elevators.

It's entirely possible you are addressing the person's cousin, ex-spouse, or possibly a current one. Don't let all that traffic out there fool you--Baton Rouge is, in reality, a big village with a lot of concrete.

Driving. Unfortunately for you, our city planners never really thought it necessary to connect our roads into a complete grid. Entire neighborhoods balloon like aneurysms on busy arteries with only one way in or out. When roads do connect, they will inexplicably change names on you. College Drive morphs into West Lee Drive and then into Brightside. Good luck getting around.

While you're here be sure to visit downtown and experience driving the wrong way down one of our pleasant one-way streets. It's quite exhilarating, you know, especially watching the faces of the confused oncoming locals. And are you familiar with turning right on red? Get this: Downtown, we do left on red. Is it legal? Who knows.

You also should know that our city has been retrofitted for SUV ergonomics. At drive-up windows and drive-through ATMs, drivers of modest sedans are forced to reach up like small children in order to complete transactions. (Of course, SUV drivers are about out of cash from buying gas, so at least the lines should be shorter.)

Finally, we're so brimming with Southern hospitality we've already told you about all the shortcuts--even those are jammed up.

Donuts. This is a Krispy Kreme town.

"Oooh, look at the big box of Krispy Kremes," a co-worker will purr. "There's Krispy Kreme in the break room!"

If you remember one thing, remember this: Krispy Kremes are fine, but they are not the only game in town. Jay's Donuts, for example, on O'Neal Lane, makes a mean glazed donut and offers some spunky invective on its sign. Also, several Mary Lee Donuts locations offer fine fried fritters.

But for me the king of donuts is the chocolate-filled glazed donut at Meche's Donut King on Sherwood Forest Boulevard. I have been writing for a living since 1987, yet I am utterly incapable of describing this confectionary mouth bomb. Just be sure you're sitting down.

Wine whine. Wine with Sunday dinner? Forget about it. We have blue laws here, which I believe means you'll have the blues because you can't buy a bottle of wine on Sunday.

There is a way around it, though.

It's called Port Allen. It's a short hop across the I-10 Bridge (yes, the New one), to a city where leaders have evolved beyond draconian restriction. Similarly, Ascension Parish and Prairieville retailers just beyond the southeastern parish line will happily sell you a bottle of pinot noir for your Sunday lunch, even if you're serving fish.

The smell. Speaking of Port Allen, sometimes, especially after a cold front, much of downtown Baton Rouge is infused with a scent vaguely akin to burnt toast. With so many chemical plants around, it can be a little disconcerting.

Fear not. It's the nutty aroma of coffee beans roasting at the Community Coffee roasting room at the factory in Port Allen. (Dangerous chemicals, on the other hand, often have no odor at all. So when you can't smell anything, that's when you should worry.)

The river. There is a massive body of water hidden behind the levee called the Mississippi River. You may be familiar with it from your time in New Orleans, whose heart beats with the river. Baton Rouge's sprawling suburbs are full of people who rarely think about the river anymore, which is their loss. It's a magnificent thing to behold and it offers a fabulous sunset view.

Name games. Don't be fooled by names. Scenic Highway, for example. It's a bold face lie--it is a four-lane industrial odyssey.

Also, consider North Street and North Boulevard: They're a few blocks apart, yet they run parallel to each other.

Finally, you're going to drive past a tall, impressive office building on Essen Lane with a tiny corporate name on top--The Shaw Group.

The sign is so small it's as though it is whispering its name.

Don't let that Lilliputian sign fool you. The Shaw Group is piloted by Jim Bernhard, the most mercantile Democrat in the land, and the man who helped build the city's coolest building, the Shaw Center for the Arts. Bernhard is a hard-driving entrepreneur with an industrial-sized ego and a fabulous mansion in which to house it. Legend has it the faucets there are gold, there's a Star Trek transporter deck and the closets are to die for.

Oops--did I mention you shouldn't gossip about people?

Tom Guarisco is editor of 225 magazine. He spent his childhood in Scotland, where "a wee blether" is simply a little chat.