225BatonRouge.com - Blogs

Investigative reporter, author and former federal agent Chuck Hustmyre has seen the ugly side of life, from A to Z. Here he gets the last word on politics, crime, local government and pop culture.

You know what hacks me off? Automated restrooms.

It's getting so you can't do anything yourself. You can't flush the toilet. You can't pull a paper towel (when they're available). You can't turn on the sink. You can't even turn on the useless hand dryer.

I'm 44 years old. Give me some credit. I know how to do those things. I've been doing them on my own since I was 3 or 4. Now all of a sudden, restroom designers don't trust me to do them anymore.

Everything's automated. Sink faucets turn on and off by themselves. In the few restrooms that still have paper towels, a sensor spits out exactly one sheet per user per hand wash. Urinals and toilets flush themselves -- most of the time.

You ever make a ... let's just say extended visit to the restroom and the autoflush sensor gizmo didn't work? You try to slink out before anyone can identify which stall you were in, but the next guy steps into the stall before you're gone and he sees what you've left behind. Oh my, that's embarrassing.

No point explaining that it wasn't your fault, that it was a bad sensor. All you can do is beat a hasty retreat.

Why do I have to use a hot-air hand dryer? Why can't I turn on the faucet myself? Why can't I flush my own toilet? So much for the courtesy flush.

What's next, automated toilet paper dispensers? You'll be in a real pickle if the sensor on that thing conks out before you're done.

I know why public restrooms have gone automatic. Big Brother is making them more environmentally friendly.

If we ever live in Jack Bauer's 24 world, a world in which mid-level government bureaucrats can tap into security cameras, modify traffic cams, even redirect satellite imagery, we're in trouble, my friends, because Al Gore (he of the Academy Award and the Nobel Peace Prize) will invade public restrooms, and I'm not talking about the way Sen. Larry Craig did. I'm talking about something even more perverse.

Big Brother Al will program hand driers to run for 10 seconds with no do-over. Paper towels will be history. You'll get one squirt out of a faucet and one squirt only. Toilet paper dispensers will issue one sheet at a time, and no more than five sheets for any one sitdown. And the toilets themselves, they'll only flush after every second use.

Forget sneaking cokes and candy into the movie theater. You're going to have to start sneaking in toilet paper. Or you can do what I do, carry a pocketknife to try to pry more paper out of the dispenser and a handkerchief if I can't.

Automated everything looked good on The Jetsons, but so far I'm not that impressed.

What do you say?

Chuck out.

Share your tips and opinions with Chuck below.