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"Honey, can you come up here? I need your help." The queasiness that had gripped my body all day had turned the corner into a full-fledged stomach virus and it was comfort I needed more than any real help as I surveyed the mess left in its wake. My husband made his way up the stairs and came to my aid only to be beset by his own variation of the same minutes later. Still, he managed to bring me juice, put socks on my freezing feet and ensure that my all-important plastic bowl was once again stationed nearby. These small things were done with great love and it was that which gave me comfort. If they had not been done with love, I would have been left feeling like an inconvenience and the comfort would have been lost. As odd as it seems, I think I’ll always remember that night with fondness because it felt like family to me.

Trying to take care of an infant and toddler when you yourself are sick is no fun, but somehow hanging in there together with my husband this weekend reminded me how much we need each other. With both of us trudging through this sudden illness together, it was easier to see that we need each other for compassion and tenderness every day even though technically, as adults, we can take care of ourselves. It’s tempting to expect your spouse to just buck up when you’ve got little ones in constant need of care who genuinely can’t help themselves, but what I’m finding is that I need some tenderness too and I’m quite sure my husband does as well. It’s a perspective shift I’m still working on, sort of a reverse of what happened after baby J arrived, but I suspect it’s quite important in the end.

There’s an entire literature body on what is formally called "the transition to parenthood" and the bottom line for most people is that it’s not an easy process. There’s a selflessness and deepened unity as a couple that can be gained in the process of becoming parents, but it’s by no means automatic and it is a process fraught with internal and external struggle for most of us. It’s worth the struggle though and a little tender loving care for your mate is a good first step.